The Loss of a Child

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss awareness month. My prayers for the parents that have lost a child. I consider a child to be from the moment of conception. Why do I believe this. Some may say I am brainwashed since I am a christian & that is what a christian believes. God does say in the Bible

Jeremiah 1:5

 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; 

Psalms 139:15-16 says 

5 My frame was not hidden from you

   when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

   were written in your book

   before one of them came to be.

And as a christian I believe this but science also backs this up. If you have ever been with a woman early in her pregnancy and seen an ultrasound you will see a beating heart. You can hear the woosh, woosh, woosh, of the beating heart. As the child grows you will see it wave its hands, kick it's feet, flip over, turn its head. So from conception to delivery it must rely on its mother for survival.

When someone very dear to my heart was pregnant with her first pregnancy I was with her for her first ultrasound at about 6 weeks and this little bitty baby had a beating heart. I could have sat and watched & listened to that little heart beat all day long. However within a few days it stopped. Never to beat again.

It wasn't long before she & her husband created another baby. After 8 weeks this child's heart stopped beating as well. This same thing happened a third time for them. Each time I watched the beat, beat, beat of their child's heart. This was the same beat, beat, beat, mine and yours does. The only difference is they were beating within the womb. They needed their mommy to survive. She would protect them and provide everything they would need the best she could until they were big enough to survive outside.

Many tears were shed for these three little ones. The questions as to why was this happening over & over again. The advice of several fertility specialists was sought to answer the "WHY" question. Finally doctor had an answer. "Your eggs are immature and we can help you when you are ready to try again." Music to the ears of a young woman and her husband. HOPE had been given that they would have a child of their own. He would need to run tests to find out why the eggs were not maturing. Tests showed mommy was missing a hormone needed and she would only need to take shots of the hormone when she was ready.

The excitement was in the air. The time became right that they would try again. Baby making was to commence. A week of shots. Measuring of the eggs to see if they were mature enough. Then a shot to release the eggs. Then mommy & daddy would take over from there. Prayers were said that this would be it if a child would be created. I still laugh at them taking several pregnancy tests knowing they had an appointment later that week. After a few days the test showed positive. YEAH. Now to wait for confirmation. YEAH doctor confirmed a baby was growing.

By end of next week a problem had arisen, fear was setting in would this life never be.  I was blessed enough to take mommy to the ER. They took us into a room for an ultrasound. I will have to say I will never play poker with this tech. She has the best poker face ever. She skillfully did her job. Never showing any excitement or concern. Having seen a few ultrasounds before, my heart began to beat a little faster. My mind began to go a million different direction. My eyes must have been playing tricks. The doctor came in asked a few questions and she began to look at the monitor as well. I was almost afraid to ask the question that was trying to burst from my mouth. But yes the pregnancy was ok. More than ok they were counting 5 yolk sacks. Inside each of these was the beautiful blip, blip, blip of the heart beating. This was 10 days into the pregnancy. 10 Days. 3 days later we were at the doctors office where another ultrasound was conducted and they found another yolk sack. Shock and amazement is all I can say.

From that day forward plans were being made. Each of us trying to figure out how we would manage these 6  bundles being brought into our lives. After another week or too it was determined that one of the yolk sacks never developed and was absorbed. However the other 5 were doing well. We dreamt of what each one would become. What they would be like. Combination of boys and girls. A million things ran through our minds. Discussion of there schooling and more importantly their Christian upbringing. Excitement took over our lives in a new way.

Many ultrasounds were done and we watched the screen like my mom used to watch soap operas. Every movement, every kick and wave of their arms were mesmerizing. We called the one on the bottom Hoss because he was so big & had lots of room. I called one little britches because she was so small. They were all labeled A, B, C, D, & E.

Joy and anticipation of finding out the sex of each one was driving us crazy. Finally we knew A & B were boys and they would be delivered first. C, D, & E were little girls. WOO HOO!!!! Mommy & Daddy came up with names for each. Much better than the A, B, C, D, & E. More & more ultrasounds were done as the doctors needed every detail to be documented in anticipation of their birth. The doctors did not want any surprises upon delivery. They were going to be prepared for any situation that might arise. They would be ready to care for each individual need.

The entire family was keeping a big secret knowing it would not be long & we could share the surprise. Mom was put on light duty and then had to stop working. It was getting closer to the babies being viable. Each day new hopes & dreams were being made. The pregnancy was at 19 weeks only 5 more weeks & if these little ones were anxious to make their arrival, they would have a good shot at survival. However that day would not arrive. 19 weeks and 1 day labor began and went quickly. Jeremiah

fell out while mommy was in the doctors office. She was rushed downstairs to the hospital but they were not able to stop Josiah,

Miriam,

Lilyann & Phoebe from entering the world. No begging or pleading with the doctors to save them would help. They were to little survive. No medical equipment was small enough to use on them. All we could do was hold them. Love them. Watch them. The doctors said they would only live for a moment or two. That moment lasted 2 hours. you could actually see their little hearts beating. The movements we had seen on the monitor during ultrasounds we could now see happening right in front of our eyes. They opened their mouths, waved their arms & kicked their little legs. What was once safely inside the womb was now outside in our hands. And all we could do was watch as they went to Heaven. The only other time I have felt this helpless was when I watched my mother go to Heaven.

The grief of losing a child while in the womb, at birth, immediately after birth or when it is a 69 year old mother is the same. It hurts. It does not stop hurting, you just do your best to continue living without them. All hopes & dreams you had for the future died & are buried within your heart.

A year has passed and I think of them often. The what if's play over and over in my mind. What would they be doing, Starting to sit or crawl, Maybe walking. Starting to talk. If I close my eyes I can see them coming towards me calling me grandma. I can hear their giggles & can fell their tender kisses.

I can never begin to imagine the heartache of Justin & Felicia as I have never had a child to die. They have experienced loss of 3 children in the womb and 5 children to die within hours of birth.

I will not forget the beat, beat, beat of their hearts. They were. They still are just in another way.

I will someday get to see them again when I get to heaven. They will be waiting to show me around.