A survivor is a person that has been able to overcome
something tragic that has happened to them. The only way we can survive
something like a illness, tragedy, loss, etc. is through the strength of
God. I am a survivor.
Of the many things I have been through I want to talk about one of
them specifically.
The month of April is Child Abuse Awareness month. I am one of
many children who are victims of child abuse. The abuse can be mental, physical
or sexual. I started this blog to help others. I pray this one will help
someone who has been hurt by someone, physically, mentally and/or sexually,
learn how to survive. I had all three of these happen to me.
As a child you look up to the most important people in your life
like, mom and dad. My mother wasn’t happy and thought having a child would make
her happy. She had sex with a random man just to get pregnant. To this day I do
not know who my biological father is. A secret my mother took to her grave (but
that will have to wait for a blog another time). Well needless to say, having a
child did not bring happiness to my birthmother, she wanted a man. The
first man she brought into my life was a bully. My birthmother thought it was
love and moved her boyfriend into our home. He didn't care if he woke me up at
2 in the morning to beat me with a belt just because I said I didn't like what
he said and told on him. He wanted to show me that he was the head of the house
hold and if you didn't do what he wanted, well a beating was about to happen.
Yes, there is a difference between a beating and whipping. He would push me
into a bedpost, push/shove me and my mom across rooms, broke my birthmother’s nose,
left his child with no food so he could have beer & drug money. He loved to
use his fists and words to hurt. My mom eventually got tired of this and got a
restraining order to keep him away from her, my baby brother and myself.
Now alone with two kids she was still not happy and began looking
for another man to bring into our lives. My mother would go out to have a few
drinks & pick up a guy. She would leave me & my brother in the car. I
would get scared and try to hide us from the people outside the car. I could
hear them talk of breaking into the car to get the kids.
It didn’t take long for her to find another man. I wanted a dad. I dreamt of having a dad to
love and nurture me. This man made that dream a nightmare. This man didn’t like that fact I was not his child
and I had no problem letting him know he was not my father. He said he would
love my baby brother because my brother would grow up never knowing that he was
not his real dad. Since I was older I knew he was not my father. He would be
the one who would take true advantage of me. He would touch me inappropriately.
He would stand in my room at night and watch me in my bed. One night he drug me
out of bed by my hair to rewash the dishes because they were not clean enough
to suit him. Some nights I would hide my brother so he would not get hit. Other
times I would say I did or did not do what was done to keep my brother from
getting beat. He would brainwash other family members, steal money I worked
hard for during the summer. My mother and him would go out and leave me behind
saying their friends did not want me in their home.
A day that hurt the most was when my birthmother said, “Felicia,
what do you want from me?” I said, “Say I Love you”. She said, “I can’t tell
you that Felicia”. A few minutes later she called my step-father and I heard
her as she told him I Love you. Talk about the worst day ever. She could say I
Love you to a man that was physically and sexually abusing me HER child. Her
flesh & blood and she can say the three words I wanted so desperately to
her from my mother to HIM. Sexual abuse, gave me low self-esteem, but that
moment, broke a child heart into a million pieces. My mother was not only cruel
with her words but it was as if she took pleasure in seeing me getting beat. My
mother would make the men use the belt on me while she watched.
Before you say, if this was going on why weren’t they reported for
child abuse. They were, multiple times but every investigation ended with no
proof of abuse. Even after we were kicked out of the house and I finally told
about some of the things my stepfather was doing to me. My mom and stepfather
lied to investigators and they said I was a liar, that I made things up. My
stepfather was eventually arrested after my mom went to court to get my brother
back. Again the system meant to protect failed, my stepfather was able to plead
guilty to assault and I do not mean sexual assault.
So you ask, how do you survive all this. Well I first went to the
one who will be father to a child who needs him. A father to the fatherless,
like me. I went to God and I found Jesus. He showed me, and I felt his
awesome amazing love. Though I learned don't let these people win, I needed
to survive. If I choose drugs, alcohol, and anger that is not a way to survive.
It only means the people that hurt you, will win if you let them. I was not
going to allow that.
I accepted Christ and prayed for strength to overcome all this. I
never did drugs, alcohol and etc. So I hope you see, you do not have to let the
abuser win. You can survive. You do not have to be a victim. Being victims does
not have to last forever, Christ is your cure for victimization. Let him empower
you and be your strength to survive.
Jesus loves you
Felicia Kruse
